Download The Onion Presents: Christmas Exposed PDF

TitleThe Onion Presents: Christmas Exposed
File Size5.0 MB
Total Pages202
Table of Contents
Title Page
News: Sales Manager Gets A Little Crazy At Office Party
News in Photos: Pet Winterized
Statshot: Most Popular Christmas TV Specials
Family: Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together
News in Brief: Company To Get Head Start On Christmas Layoffs This Year
Opinion: It’ll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff
News in Brief: Not Snowing Over Here, Man On Phone Reports
News: Jesus ‘Really Dreading’ This Next Birthday
News in Photos: Cardboard Snowflake Half-Heartedly Masking-Taped To Break-Room Door
News in Brief: Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production
Family: Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat
Tips: Winterizing Tips
Statshot: Top Temporary Holiday Stores
Family: Rising Home-Heating Costs Hitting Reptile Families Hardest
News in Brief: Parent Mad 6-Year-Old Didn’t Like Peanuts Special
Statshot: Most Popular Winter Holiday Decorations
Statshot: Preparing for Winter
News: Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!
Hot Holiday Toys
News in Brief: Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas
News: Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
News in Brief: Cretinous Reprobate Home For The Holidays
Statshot: The Online Shopping Boom
News: 95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family
News in Brief: Coal Now Too Expensive To Put In Christmas Stockings
News in Brief: Santa Claus Killed In Electric-Razor Crash
Opinion: Another Lousy Christ-mas
News in Brief: MIT Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas
Local: Man Braves Freezing Weather To Cross Parking Lot
News in Brief: Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around
Infographic: Furby Fever
American Voices: Congress’ Pre-Christmas Cuts
News: Out-Of-Control Revelers Deck Shit Out Of Area Halls
News: Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
News in Brief: World Inspired By First Snowman To Win Luge
American Voices: Christmas Trees More Expensive
Opinion: Secret Santas Are For Shit
News in Brief: McCain Stares at Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter
Tips: Toy-Buying Tips for Parents
News in Brief: World’s Jews Celebrate Christmas With Ceremonial Re-Murdering Of Christ
News: Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes
News in Photos: Rommel, Hummel Dominate Parents’ Christmas List
News in Brief: Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White House Christmas Party
Opinion: Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time
News in Brief: Hanukkah Decorations Being Defaced Earlier Every Year
News: Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak
News in Brief: Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend
Statshot: How Are We Losing Holiday Weight?
News: Non-Widescreen Version Of DVD Received As Hanukkah Gift
News in Brief: Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children
Opinion: Wah, Wah, I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder
News in Brief: Quick, Painless Death Tops Holiday Wish List Of Local Veal Calf
News: Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors’ Treatment of Colds
News in Brief: Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time
News: Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5
Tips: Cold And Flu Prevention Tips
News in Brief: Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware
News: Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring
News in Brief: Fall Internship Pays Off With Coveted Winter Internship
Family: Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count
News: 2007 Holiday Cheer Brought To You By Toyota
News in Brief: Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced
News: Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force
Statshot: Recalled Holiday Toys
News in Brief: Real-Life Grinch Celebrates ‘Hanukkah’
Opinion: The Pagan Deviltry Of The Christ’s Mass Holiday And How We Must Resist Its Temptation
News: Area Stores Stock Up On Shit
Statshot: Top Corporate Holiday Gifts
News in Photos: 44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree
News: Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic
News in Brief: Pony-Wanting Ron Artest To Be On Best Behavior Till Christmas
Opinion: How Very Special
Tips: Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays
News: Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working
Tips: Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies
Commentary: Why Can’t We Have A Nice Igloo Like The Meekitjuks Next Door?
News: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
News in Photos: Nobody Touching Punch At CIA Christmas Party
Opinion: The Times That Try Jean’s Soul
American Voices: Holiday Travel Plans
News: Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her
Horoscope: Your Horoscope
Family: Religious Cousin Ruins Family’s Christmas
News in Brief: Poor Kwanzaa Sales Disappoint Retailers
News: Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas
News in Brief: Dad’s Marine Corps Training Evident During Christmas-Present Opening
Opinion: It’s Christmas Time—And I’m In A Holi-Daze!
News: Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten
News in Brief: Natalee Holloway Makes New Year’s Resolution To Become Famous
News in Photos: Prescription Put In 2009 New Year’s Eve Glasses
News: Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn’t Come Out Right
Opinion: Ho! Ho! Ho! I Am God
News in Photos: Baby New Year Abandoned In Street
Family: Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport
News in Brief: Book Given As Gift Actually Read
News: Survival of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle
Opinion: It Is Not A Wonderful Life
Tips: Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs
American Voices: New Year’s Resolutions
News: Accountants Pack Times Square For Fiscal New Year
News in Brief: Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion
News in Brief: Child Bored With Christmas Puppy
Document Text Contents
Page 102


Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This

Page 201


Child Bored With Christmas Puppy
HAMILTON, OH—Household sources reported Monday that Joshua Hunt,

10, has lost interest in Raggles, the 4-month-old cocker spaniel he received on
Christmas Day. “For the first month, he played with it every day,” said Joshua’s
mother Kathie Hunt. “Now he plays Nintendo as soon as he gets home from
school and tells Raggles to shut up when he barks.” Joshua has asked his mother
if he can exchange the puppy for .

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