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TitlePassionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
File Size2.1 MB
Total Pages448
Table of Contents
                            Title Page
Copyright Page
Preface to the 2009 Edition
Section One: The Basics
	1. Nobody’s Ready for Marriage—Marriage Makes You Ready for Marriage
	2. Differentiation: Developing a Self-in-Relation
	3. Your Sexual Potential: Electric Sex!
	4. Intimacy Is Not for the Faint of Heart
	5. Sexual Desire: Who Wants to Want?
Section Two: Tools for Connection
	6. Hugging till Relaxed
	7. Love and Foreplay Aren’t Blind, Unless You Insist on It
	8. Eyes-Open Orgasm: Making Contact during Sex
	9. Where’s Your Head during Sex? Mental Dimensions of Sexual Experience
	10. Fucking, Doing, and Being Done: It Isn’t What You Do, It’s the Way You Do It
Section Three: Observations on the Process
	11. Two-Choice Dilemmas and Normal Marital Sadism
	12. Hold onto Yourself: Your Crucible Survival Guide
	13. Couples in the Crucible: Reaching Critical Mass
	14. Sex, Love, and Death
Referral Information
Key Themes and Ideas According to Readers
Document Text Contents
Page 2

Praise from readers of

“This book gives you so many ‘ahaaas!’ that you get a sense of power due to
your insight . . . . is like having a map of the whole forest
and the location of each clue and a decoder key.”

“This book applies to kinds of relationships, not just married couples.”

“It’s a process. Getting from where we are to where we want to be takes time. It
isn’t just a matter of saying, ‘Here, these are my expectations . . . meet them!’
It’s opening a dialog, building on a foundation, getting to know yourself and
your partner. It’s a voyage of discovery.”

“It’s about how to .”

“The thing I love best about it is its message of hope . . . . as
you get older.”

“It is providing us with hope because it’s giving us the ability to see something
concrete for the first time. We now can set a goal that have control over.”

“Following the concepts in this book can have both of you exploring your sexual
potential in ways you can’t even of now.”

“Use of this reading material may lead to certain side effects. Reported side
effects so far include (but are not limited to) increased happiness, a feeling of
lightness, increased love and empathy, increased positive interactions with one’s
children, and an overall feeling of empowerment.”

“It has shaken me to my core. It will leave you untouched if you read it.
Plus, I feel like it is giving me new tools I can use to really deal with whatever
my spouse, or life, hands me, and not come unglued.”

“I really can’t even begin to explain the difference reading this book made in my

“We sometimes have a tendency to have our feelings be influenced by what we
read . . . what we ‘should’ be feeling, It’s great to finally read something that
validates something I’m doing right, instead of reading something that validates
why something is wrong.”

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I was sitting in the front seat next to the driver because that’s what a “good

bloke” does in Australia. The driver was a mathematician from Pakistan unable
to find other employment. As he drove me to the airport, he asked for advice
about a serious concern. He revealed that, like many men in his culture, he had
been a virgin when he married his Australian wife three years earlier. Now
exposed to Western culture, he felt bad about his “lack of experience.” He
wanted to know if I knew of some esoteric sexual practices his wife might be
missing. I told this gentle man that I don’t teach techniques, but I do help people
have orgasms with their eyes open.

As often happens, the man looked incredulous. But I wasn’t prepared for
what followed. He said: “You mean there are people . . . who don’t?”

I was filled with sadness and admiration. Here was a man apologizing for
himself, feeling inadequate, when he’d accomplished something relatively few
people do. In three years’ time, he and his wife had spontaneously developed the
ability to have orgasms with their eyes open.

It’s hard to describe the impact of looking into the eyes of someone you love
as you reach orgasm. It’s difficult for me to convey the richness of eyes-open
orgasm between Ruth and me. Every time it happens it brings to mind how far
our relationship and our love—and our personal development—have come.
Looking into each other and climaxing can be electric, tender, forceful, and
nurturant, all at once. It’s truly amazing how the human mind can integrate this
cacophony of sensations, thoughts, and emotions, into a cohesive—delicious—

I realize eyes-open orgasms can sound intimidating and maybe even
unnatural (remember, though, they were quite natural for the Pakistani man). If
this makes you self-conscious, ask yourself if that’s really a bad thing. As we
discussed in Chapter 4, selfconsciousness is inherent to intimacy. And according
to Tantric sex experts, self-awareness during sex is part of our sexual potential
and the goal of sex. They say this helps partners focus their minds and emotions,
channeling their energy and transforming their unity into ecstasy. Eyes-open
orgasm highlights how close people (and sex) can get, and how far apart so
many of us are. At the moment of orgasm—the supposed peak of the sexual
encounter—we’re on separate worlds: we tune out each other in order to climax.
In comparison to eyes-open orgasm, simultaneous eyes-closed orgasm seems
sort of funny.

Eyes-open orgasm builds on many topics we’ve discussed previously, like
sexual vibes, feeling while touching, and following the connection. You have to

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be open to the inherent intimacy and eroticism, open to being seen, felt, and
tasted emotionally. And everything we’ve said about open connection in eyes-
open sex holds true for eyes-open orgasm—only more so. Having an eyes-open
orgasm usually requires a level of partner engagement so profound that your
spouse becomes an integral part of your arousal pattern (rather than a distraction
from your sensations). This kind of emotional transparency requires a high level
of self-acceptance based on knowing who you are and what your partner is likely
to see. You can’t be carrying a lot of anxiety or a load of unresolved issues to
bed. You have to feel pretty good about yourself to let your life-mate look inside
you. You don’t “blink” when he looks. You invite him “in” and want him there.
That’s what differentiation lets you do.

These generalizations about intimacy and emotional contact hold true for
couples who want to develop their ability to have eyes-open orgasms.
Occasionally, however, I’ve worked with people who could keep their eyes
open, but without partner engagement or openness; in fact, they were so distant
from their partner that looking eye to eye during orgasm was, for them, like
viewing a porno flick and masturbating. Eyes-open orgasm doesn’t always mean
intense connection, but it’s a terrific opportunity for couples who want
connection to find it.

One client said, “I think I’m like lots of people. I learned to have orgasms
through a certain pattern of stimulation that included closing my eyes. I guess I
started it for various reasons: because I heard it was romantic and because it
worked. I had to shut out my partner so I could focus on my sensations. Now this
routine has developed into the only way I know how to climax.”

She continued, “When I first experimented with eyes-open orgasms it was
hard. I had to make my eyes stay open. They seemed to close automatically.
Sometimes I made myself do it; other times my partner encouraged me. It got
easier, but at first this lessened the likelihood of my reaching orgasm. Sometimes
I got pissed, thinking, ‘What kind of nutty idea is this anyway?’ But with
experience it changed into a pattern I really enjoy—it’s different! I know I’m
doing it right when I feel a little awkward, weird, exposed, and very intimate
with my partner. If I find myself averting my gaze, I refocus my attention: I ask
myself, ‘Am I hiding? Why?’ Sometimes I just get nervous—‘twitchy’—like it
feels too good or something!”

’m aware that there’s a pitfall in discussing eyes-open orgasm: it can sound like
I’m suggesting that you’re supposed to be able to do it. Or that you’re not in real
contact with your partner if you can’t. My intent is to highlight the complexity

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critical mass and, 357–58, 376
experience and, 18
love and, 404
unilateral shifts and issues of, 164, 169

truths, mistaken, 38–39
emotional, see fusion
physical, 388–90

two-choice dilemmas:
in case examples, 176, 300–302, 303–8, 317, 328, 331, 363
described/discussed, 296–300, 325, 328, 337, 398
in hugging till relaxed (case), 176, 179

“tyranny of the lowest common denominator,” 258, 330, 361

ultimatums, 371
unconscious processes, assumptions about, 42
USA Today, 187

validation, mistaken views of, 39, 59, 102, 103
see also other-validated; self-validated

Velveteen Rabbit, The, 79
vibrational link, 223, 224, 226, 234, 273
violence, domestic, 65–66, 377
Voltaire, 46

wall-socket sex, 96–98, 99, 207, 232, 238, 243
wanting to want (or not), or to be wanted, 147, 148, 149–53, 174, 176, 180, 251,

300, 313–14, 398, 400
we-ness, 380
West, May, 279
White, E.B., 39, 133
Wilber, Ken, 392, 393, 394, 395, 399, 400, 402
Wilde, Oscar, 46, 403, 404

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“win-win” negotiations, 195
Womanwords, 269
“worthy opponents,” 260
“wounded child” theory, distortions of, 44, 401

Yeshe, Lama, 40

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