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Table of Contents
                            Introduction
Chapter1MenArefromMars,WomenArefromVenus
	REMEMBERINGOURDIFFERENCES
	ANOVERVIEWOFOURDIFFERENCES
	GOODINTENTIONSARENOTENOUGH
Chapter2Mr.Fix-ItandtheHome-ImprovementComm
	LIFEONMARS
	LIFEONVENUS
	GIVEUPGIVINGADVICE
	LEARNINGTOLISTEN
	INDEFENSEOFMR.FIX-ITANDTHEHOME-IMPROVEMENT
	WHENAWOMANRESISTSAMAN'SSOLUTIONS
	WHENAMANRESISTSTHEHOME-IMPROVEMENTCOMMITTEE
Chapter3MenGotoTheirCavesandWomenTalk
	COPINGWITHSTRESSONMARSANDVENUS
	FINDINGRELIEFINTHECAVE
		HowWomenReadTotheCove
	FINDINGRELIEFTHROUGHTALKING
		HowMenReactWhenWomenNeedtoTalk
	HOWTHEMARTIANSANDVENUSIANSFOUNDPEACE
Chapter4HowtoMotivatetheOppositeSex
	WHENAMANLOVESAWOMAN
		DifferencesAttract
		LoveMotivatesMartians
	WHENAWOMANLOVESAMAN
		TooMuchGivingIsTiring
		GivingUPBlame
	SETTINGANDRESPECTINGLIMITS
	LEARNINGTORECEIVE
		HowtheVenusiansLearntoFeelWorthy
		WhentheVenusianIsReadytheMartianWillAppear
	LEARNINGTOGIVE
		ItIsOKtoMakeMistakes
Chapter5SpeakingDifferentLanguages
	EXPRESSINGFEELINGSVERSUSEXPRESSINGINFORMATION
	WHENVENUSIANSTALK
		TheVenusian/MartinnPhraseDictionary
	WHENMARTIANSDON'TTALK
		HowSheReactstoHisSilence
		UnderstandingtheCove
		WhyMenneedTheirCave
		WhyWomenTalk
		GettingBurnedbytheDragon
	WHENMARTIANSDOTALK
	WHATTODOWHENHEGOESINTOHISCAVE
	HOWTOCOMMUNICATESUPPORTTOAMARTIAN
		HowtoApproachaManWithCriticismorAdvice
		WhenaManDoesn'tNeedHelp
		TooMuchCaringIsSmothering
		ASuccessStory
	MAKINGLITTLECHANGES
	HOWTOCOMMUNICATEWITHOUTBLAME
		SharingResponsibility
		FourMagicWordsofSupport
		WhattoDoWhenYouFeelLikeBlaming
		NowtoListenWithoutBlaming
		TheArtofListening
Chapter6MenAreLikeRubberBands
	WHATEVERYWOMANSHOULDKNOWABOUTMEN
		HowaManIsSuddenlyTransformed
		WhyMenPullAway
		WhyWomenPanic
		WhyMenandWomenDoubtTheirLove
	HOWWOMENMISINTERPRETMEN
		WhyMenPullAwayWhenWomenGetClose
	WHENTOTALKWITHAMAN
	NOWTOGETAMANTOTALK
		HowWomenPressureMentoTalk
		HowtoInitiateaConversationwithaMan
	WHENAMANWON'TTALK
		One-sidedConversations
		LearningtoSupportEachOtherWithoutHavingtoC
	WHENAMANDOESN'TPULLAWAY
		BecomingMoreIndependent
	OBSTRUCTINGTHEINTIMACYCYCLE
	HOWAMAN'SPASTMAYAFFECTHISINTIMACYCYCLE
	WISEMENANDWOMEN
Chapter7WomenAreLikeWaves
	HOWMENREACTTOTHEWAVE
		Don'tTrytoFixIt
		NowMenAreConfused
	RECURRINGCONVERSATIONSANDARGUMENTS
	UNDERSTANDINGNEEDINESS
	WHENAWOMANDOESN'TFEELSAFEINHERWELL
		EmotionalHousecleaning
		HowaManCanSupportaWomanintheWell
	WHENSHE'SINTHEWELLANDHE'SINTHECAVE
		MartianandVenusianLogic
		NowPostFeelingsComeUp.
		WhenFeelingsGetHurt
		WhyMenandWomenFight
	RESOLVINGCONFLICTSTHROUGHUNDERSTANDING
		WhataManCanDoWhenHeCan'tListen
		WhatHeCanSayInsteadofArguing
		WhatSheCanDoInsteadofArguing
	HOWMONEYCANCREATEPROBLEMS
		MoneyDoesn'tFulfillEmotionalNeeds
		AWealthyWomanNeedsMorePermissiontoBeUpset
	FEELINGSAREIMPORTANT
Chapter8DiscoveringOurDifferentEmotionalNeed
	THETWELVEKINDSOFLOVE
		ThePrimaryloveNeedsofWomenandMen
		UnderstandingYourPrimaryNeeds
			1.SheNeedsCaringandHeNeedsTrust
			2.SheNeedsUnderstandingandHeNeedsAcceptance
			3.SheNeedsRespectandHeNeedsAppreciation
			4.SheNeedsDevotionandHeNeedsAdmiration
			5.SheNeedsValidationandHeNeedsApproval
			6.SheNeedsReassuranceandHeNeedsEncouragemen
	THEKNIGHTINSHININGARMOR
	NOWYOUMAYBEUNKNOWINGLYTURNINGOFFYOURPARTNE
	WHENLOVEFAILS
	LEARNINGTOLISTENWITHOUTGETTINGANGRY
	THEARTOFEMPOWERINGAMAN
		GiveTrustandNotAdvice
		WhyMenResistChange
		TwoKindsofMen,OneKindofBehavior
		MenDon'tWanttoBeImproved
Chapter9HowtoAvoidArguments
	WHATHAPPENSWHENWEARGUE
	WHYARGUMENTSHURT
	THEFOURSTANCESFORAVOIDINGHURT
	WHYWEARGUE
	THEANATOMYOFANARGUMENT
		HowMenUnknowinglyStartArguments
		HowWomenUnknowinglyStartArguments
		WhenHeNeedsHerApprovalMost
	HOWTOEXPRESSYOURDIFFERENCESWITHOUTARGUING
	GIVINGSUPPORTATDIFFICULTTIMES
	AVOIDINGARGUMENTSTHROUGHLOVINGCOMMUNICATION
Chapter10ScoringPointswiththeOppositeSex
	LITTLETHINGSMAKEABIGDIFFERENCE
	THEMAGICOFDOINGLITTLETHINGS
		WhataManNeeds
		WhataManNeedsaWomantoAccept
	REDIRECTINGENERGYANDATTENTION
		WhenaManOverworks
		HowaWomenCanHelp
	WHENWOMENGIVEPOINTS
	HEALINGTHERESENTMENTFLU
		WhatSheCanDo
		WhatHeCanDo
	WHYMENGIVELESS
	HOWMENGIVEPOINTS
		WhenaWomanCanScoreMorePoints
	WHATMAKESMENDEFENSIVE
	WHENMENGIVEPENALTYPOINTS
	REMEMBERINGOURDIFFERENCES
Chapter11HowtoCommunicateDifficultFeelings
	THELOVELETTERTECHNIQUE
		HowWeCanLearnAboutOurpartnersNeeds
		WhattoDolfYourPartnerCan'tRespondLovingly
	MAKINGITSAFEFORLOVELETTERS
	MINILOVELETTERS
	WHENTOWRITELOVELETTERS
	WHYWENEEDTOWRITELOVELETTERS
		RealisticExpectations
		HowWeLearntoCommunicate
		lfOurPastWereDifferent
	TELLINGTHECOMPLETETRUTH
		WhyLoveLettersWork
		HowFeelingsCanHideOtherFeelings
	HEALINGNEGATIVEFEELINGS
		HowYourPastAffectsYouToday
		SilencingYourFeelingsThroughAddictions
	SECRETSOFSELF-HELP
		ThePowerofIntimacy
		ThePoweroftheGroup
		TakingTimetoListen
Chapter12HowtoAskforSupportandGetIt
	WHYWOMENDON'TASK
	STEPI:ASKINGCORRECTLYFORWHATYOUAREALREADY
		TipsforMotivatingaMen
		WhatMenWanttoBeAsked
		CommonMistakesinAsking
		CommonQuestionsAboutAskingforSupport
	STEP2:PRACTICEASKINGFORMORE(EVENWHENYOUKN
		HealthyRelationships
	STEP3:PRACTICEASSERTIVEASKING
		ProgrammingaMantoSayYes
		PregnantPause
	WHYMENARESOSENSITIVE
Chapter13KeepingtheMagicofLoveAlive
	HowRepressedFeelingsComeUp
	WhyCoupiesMayFightDuringGoodTimes
	THE90/10PRINCIPLE
		HowWeCanSupportEachOther
		AHealingLetter
	YOUARENEVERUPSETFORTHEREASONYOUTHINK
	THEDELAYEDREACTIONRESPONSE
		WhenCouplesSuddenlyFedTheirResentment
		TheCrisisofRisingExpectations
	WHYHEALTHYPEOPLEMAYNEEDCOUNSELING
	THESEASONSOFLOVE
		TheSpringtimeofLove
		TheSummerofLove
		TheAutumnofLove
		TheWinterofLove
	SUCCESSFULRELATIONSHIPS
Acknowledgement
                        
Document Text Contents
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MenMenMenMen areareareare fromfromfromfrom Mars,Mars,Mars,Mars, WomenWomenWomenWomen areareareare fromfromfromfrom VenusVenusVenusVenus

JohnJohnJohnJohn GrayGrayGrayGray

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ContentContentContentContent

Introduction.......................................................................................................................................... 6

Chapter 1 Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus..........................................................................11

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES................................................................................................11

AN OVERVIEW OF OUR DIFFERENCES............................................................................................12

GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH..........................................................................................13

Chapter 2 Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee..................................................................15

LIFE ON MARS.............................................................................................................................. 15

LIFE ON VENUS.............................................................................................................................17

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE...............................................................................................................18

LEARNING TO LISTEN................................................................................................................... 19

IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX-IT AND THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE........................................21

WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN'S SOLUTIONS............................................................................ 21

WHEN A MAN RESISTS THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE......................................................23

Chapter 3 Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk................................................................................25

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS................................................................................ 25

FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE.......................................................................................................26

FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING.............................................................................................29

HOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE....................................................................31

Chapter 4 How to Motivate the Opposite Sex.........................................................................................34

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN.....................................................................................................35

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN.....................................................................................................37

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS............................................................................................... 39

LEARNING TO RECEIVE................................................................................................................. 41

LEARNING TO GIVE.......................................................................................................................43

Chapter 5 Speaking Different Languages............................................................................................... 45

EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION......................................................... 45

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3. She feels unloved because he doesn't respect her feelings.

4. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children or work more important.

4. She feels unloved because he is not devoted to her and doesn't honor her as special.

5. When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset.

5. She feels unloved because he doesn't validate her feelings but instead makes her feel wrong and

unsupported.

6. After listening he says nothing or just walks away.

6. She feels insecure because she doesn't get the reassurance she needs.

WHEN LOVE FAILS

Love often fads because people instinctively give what they want. Because a woman's primary love needs

are to be cared for, understood, and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and

understanding. To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn't trust him. Being trusted is

his primary need, not being cared for.

Ten, when he doesn't respond positively to her caring she can't understand why he doesn't appreciate her

brand of support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn't what she needs. So they are

caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other's needs.

Beth complained, saying, "I just can't keep giving and not getting back. Arthur doesn't appreciate what I

give. I love him, but he doesn't love me."

Arthur complained, saying, "Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I've tried

everything and she still doesn't love me. I love her, but it's just not working."

Beth and Arthur have been married for eight years. They both felt like giving up because they didn't feel

loved. Ironically, they both claimed to be giving more love than they were getting back. Beth believed she

was giving more, while Arthur thought he was giving the most. In truth they were both giving, but neither

was getting what they wanted or needed.

They did love each other, but because they didn't understand their partner's primary needs their love

wasn't getting through. Beth was giving what she needed to receive while Arthur was giving what he

wanted. Gradually they burned out.

Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. Relationships become easier when we

understand our partner's primary needs. Without giving more but by giving what is required we do not

burn out. This understanding of the twelve different kinds of love finally explains why our sincere loving

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attempts fail. To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he or she primarily needs.

LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman's primary love needs is through

communication. As we have discussed before, communication is particularly important on Venus. By

learning to listen to a woman's feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring, understanding,

respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.

One of the biggest problems men have with listening to women is that they become frustrated or angry

because they forget that women are from Venus and that they are supposed to communicate differently.

The chart below outlines some ways to remember these differences and makes some suggestions about

what to do.

HOW TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

What to remember What to do and what not to do

1. Remember anger comes from not understanding her point of view, and this is never her fault.

1. Take responsibility to under-stand. Don't blame her for upset-ting you. Start again trying to understand.

2. Remember that feelings don't always make sense right away, but they're still valid and need control. Try

to imagine how you would feel if you saw the world through her eyes.

2. Breathe deeply, don't say any- thing! Relax and let go of trying to empathy.

3. Remember that anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better. Even if she

doesn't immediately feel better, your listening and understanding are helping.

3. Don't blame her for not feeling better from your solutions. How can she feel better when solutions are

not what she needs? Resist the urge to offer solutions.

4. Remember you don't have to agree to understand her point of point of view make sure she is finished

and then rephrase her point of view before giving your own.

4. If you wish to express a differing view or to be appreciated as a good listener. Do not raise your voice.

5. Remember you don't fully have to understand her point of view to succeed in being a good listener.

5. Let her know you don't under-stand but want to. Take responsi-bility for not understanding; don't judge

her or imply she can't be understood.

6. Remember you are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as though she is blaming you, but

she is really wanting to be understood.

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AcknowledgementAcknowledgementAcknowledgementAcknowledgement

I thank my wife, Bonnie, for sharing the journey of developing this book with me. I thank her for allowing

me to share our stories and especially for expanding my understanding and ability to honor the female

point of view.

I thank our three daughters, Shannon, Julie, and Lauren, for their continued love and appreciation. The

challenge of being a parent has allowed me to understand the struggles my parents had and love them

even more. Being a father has especially assisted me in understanding and loving my father.

I thank my father and mother for their loving efforts to raise a family of seven children. I thank my oldest

brother, David, for understanding my feelings and admiring my words. I thank my brother Williarn for

motivating me to higher achievements. I thank my brother Robert for all the long and interesting

conversations we had until dawn and for his brilliant ideas, from which I always benefit. I thank my brother

Tom for his encouragement and positive spirit. I thank my sister Virginia for believing in me and

appreciating my seminars. I thank my deceased younger brother Jimmy for his love and admiration, which

continue to support me through my difficult times.

I thank my agent Patti Breitman, whose help, brilliant creativity, and enthusiasm have guided this book

from its conception to its completion. I thank Carole Bidnick for her inspired support at the beginning of

this project. I thank Susan Moldow and Nancy Peske for their expert feedback and advice. I thank the staff

at HarperCollins for their continued responsiveness to my needs.

I thank all the thousands who participated in my relationship serninars, shared their stories, and

encouraged me to write this book. Their positive and loving feedback has supported me in developing this

simple presentation of such a complex subject.

I thank my clients who have shared their struggles so intimately and trusted my assistance in their journey.

I thank Steve Martineau for his skillful wisdom and influence, which can be found sprinkled through this

book.

I thank my different promoters, who have put their hearts and souls into producing the john Gray

Relationship Seminars where this material was tried, tested, and developed: Elley and Ian Coren in Santa

Cruz; Debra Mudd, Gary and Helen Francell in Honolulu; Bill and Judy Elbring in San Francisco; David

Obstfeld and Fred Kliner in Washington, D.C.; Elizabeth Kling in Baltimore; Clark and Dottie Bartell in

Seattle; Michael Najarian in Phoenix; Gloria Manchester in L.A.; Sandee Mac in Houston; Earlene Carrillo in

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Las Vegas; David Farlow in San Diego; Bart and Merril Jacobs in Dallas; and Ove Johliansson and Ewa

Martensson in Stockholm.

I thank Richard Cohen and Cindy Black at Beyond Words Publishing for their loving and genuine support of

my last book, Men, Women, and Relationsbips, which gave birth to the ideas in this book.

I thank john Vestman at Trianon Studios for his expert audio recordings of my whole seminar and Dave

Morton and the staff of Cassette Express for their continued appreciation of this material and their quality

service.

I thank the members of my men's group for sharing their stories, and I especially thank Lenney Eiger,

Charles Wood, Jacques Early, David Placek, and Chris Johns, who gave me such valuable feedback for

editing the manuscript.

I thank my secretary, Arlana, for efficiently and responsibly taking over the office during this project.

I thank my lawyer (and adopted grandfather of my children), Jerry Riefold, for always being there.

I thank Clifford McGuire for his continued friendship of twenty years. I could not ask for a better sounding

board and friend.

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