Download Faking It, How to Seem Like a Better Person PDF

TitleFaking It, How to Seem Like a Better Person
File Size2.5 MB
Total Pages289
Table of Contents
                            Cover Page
Title Page
Copyright Page
	Chapter One: Scholarly Pursuits
	Chapter Two: Arts and Culture
	Chapter Three: Jobs and Money
	Chapter Four: The Sporting Life
	Chapter Five: The Handyman
	Chapter Six: Fashion and Grooming
	Chapter Seven: Caring for Your Home
	Chapter Eight: Entertaining Guests
	Chapter Nine: Hitting the Town
	Chapter Ten: Dating
Document Text Contents
Page 144

134 F A K I N G I T

just my” instead of, “Oh, it’s actually called . . . it’s . . . an inside joke.”

Rule #3: Do not update your blog more than once a day, and

even that is pushing it. Blogging once a day means you

have too much free time on your hands, blogging fourteen

times a day means you have too much dry semen on your

hands. Everything in moderation.

Page 145


— C H A P T E R 6 —

Fashion and Grooming

t’s going to take more than just mechanical knowledge to im-

press people. No matter what you’re saying, nobody’s going to

pay you the slightest bit of attention if you’re wearing an air-

brushed sweatshirt that loudly proclaims your fondness for a

certain NASCAR driver. You may think it’s shallow and mate-

rialistic that our society places so much emphasis on outward

appearances, and that’s certainly a principled stance for you to

take. However, please quit spouting it from behind the counter

of the coffee shop where you’ll work until you’re forty-five—

you’re getting spittle in our lattes.

Yes, the urge to get out of bed and spend the entire day in

pajama pants and an old Vancouver Grizzlies T-shirt can

be overwhelming, however, it’s important to look your best.

Page 288

278 F A K I N G I T

So next time Fat Friend is at a bar being ignored, go over and

buy her a beer. She’s one of the best resources around.

Extremely Important Note: No matter how drunk you are, no

matter how good an idea it might seem “just this once and we’ll

keep it a secret,” you must not hook up with Fat Friend. This

has nothing to do with her being fat and having your friends

mock you for it (okay, maybe it has a little to do with her being

fat). This girl is your greatest ally, but if you’re always hanging

out, she’ll probably have at least some semblance of romantic

interest in you. She knows you’re out of her league, so she will

be a good friend. However, if you get naked with her, she

might start to get ideas. You’ll have to defuse them, which

means that you’ll either hurt her feelings, lose your Fat Friend,

or both. So show a little self-control and go to an all-night diner

instead. She’s always hungry.

Page 289


You made it all the way to the end! Did you read every page
carefully? You did? Jesus, were you not paying attention at all?

All you really needed to do was skim through, pick out some

important parts, and remember them! Oh, well, at least you

learned a lot.

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